13 Rules for Dining in an Italian Restaurant

1 - If you're dining in an Italian restaurant, always assume the waiting staff is completely fluent in Italian. If you see a fellow who looks Asian working there, he was probably born in Milan, and just moved here last week. Always speak to them in Italian. It makes you look cool, and really impresses the staff.

2 - If you don't speak Italian, please try your best attempt at ordering your food in an Italian accent, and say the Italian name of the food. Who cares if you're ordering simply Fish and Chips? You want to say "Frittura di Pesce con Patatine" in your best Italian voice so everyone knows you're the super-est person sitting at that table. The wait staff may even give you free food if you do!

3 - Always make a show of 'testing' the wine before drinking it. Swirl it around in the glass, sniff it, and say something like, "Oh, I hear the 2003 crop was excellent in Western Australia". Not only will the staff be happy to serve it to you, it's very likely that they, and the other people at your table, will offer you sexual favours for showing them how worldly and sophisticated you are.

4 - If you're with a large group of people, say 12 or more, always order your drinks, then as soon as the waiter has gone to place your order, move around to talk to different people at the table, or better yet, just move seats permanently so you can chat with your work buddy before they get back. It keeps the wait staff on their toes, and they LOVE testing their facial recognition skills out as often as they can. Bonus point: If they do find you right away, simply move to the next seat when you order your next drink.

5 - Likewise, if you're in a big group, when the wait staff comes with your food or drink order, and they're looking around shouting out what the food is obviously looking for who ordered it, completely ignore them, even if they're actually standing right above you. This is especially true if it's not actually the waiter that took your order, but the runner who's job it is to run food out to people. Wait staff actually have a telepathic link to everyone else in the place, so they shouldn't need your help anyways.

6 - When the person bringing you your food has 3 plates balanced precariously on one arm and one more plate in their other hand, it's considered an affront to them personally if you take the single plate out of their hand to help them. Good wait staff should be able to balance 9 plates of super hot food on their arm without any assistance from you, and you shouldn't have to do anything to enjoy your food. In fact, if you ask nicely, most wait staff will actually chew your food for you!

7 - If your waiter is at a table across the room, and you need another water RIGHT AWAY, it's OK to yell across to him/her that you'd like another water. It's also acceptable to snap your fingers, or throw uneaten buns at them to get their attention. Waiters don't have anything better to do than to serve you and you alone.

8 - If the restaurant is obviously closing, please feel no rush to leave the premises and take your conversation about the weather, or whales, or your last trip to Sweden elsewhere. Waiters don't do anything after work, and most of them live in the back 24 hours a day. They frequently stack tables and chairs for no apparent reason anyways. It helps them to build upper-body strength and learn much needed hand-eye coordination (See rule 6).

9 - If your food comes out undercooked, or maybe not tasting the way you were expecting it to, it is SOLELY the waiter's fault and he should be reprimanded, preferably in front of everyone in the restaurant. The chefs likely pleaded with the waiter to make it the way you wanted it to, but he/she would have none of it, and probably threatened the chef's family if they didn't do as he asked. They also like to have their mistakes pointed out, to better serve you next time you come in, and will, in all likelyhood, swear fealty to you for the remainder of their mortal lives.

10 - Wait staff are fountains of knowledge about the food at other restaurants around them. If you're looking for the best seafood place around the area, just ask anyone who works at a restaurant that doesn't serve any seafood. While you'd think that they would prefer to eat at their own restaurant, a place that usually gives them either a huge discount, or even a free meal with their shift, most wait staff actually like to go out and spend their money at the other overpriced restaurants in the area so they can tell people who come to their eatery where the best OTHER place is to get food.

11 - In the same vein, all wait staff are given detailed maps of the area within a 5 block radius of their restaurant, so they can tell people where the nearest *Insert Bank Name Here* ATM is, where they can hire a boat, or where the nearest latin-themed gay dance club is. Most people who work at restaurants are actually part-time tour guides, and love nothing more than to tell people where to go.

12 - If you have severe allergies to basic foods, like garlic or shellfish or grains, don't even bother telling anyone who works at the restaurant. Most Italian food has none of that in it anyways, and if it does, then they obviously hate you and want you dead. It's always best to mention this as you're shovelling your 3rd garlic prawn into your mouth, then demand that you won't pay for your meal. This is why restaurants pay insurance anyhow, so feel free to milk the system.

13 - Wait staff like nothing more than to recommend food to someone they don't know. Most of them will be fairly forthright in saying that the Chicken Parmigiana tastes like recycled monkey feces, and you're better off eating at Maccers. This is doubly true if, after each suggestion, you say something like, "Yeah, but I don't like chicken" or, "But I'm a vegetarian". It's required, by law, for waiters to actually be able to read the minds of the people they serve, and be able to tailor a meal to their individual tastes. If they are unable to, report them to the authorities, who will likely offer sexual favours for turning in such contemptable scum.